As mothers we already feel inadequate when it comes to parenting. When trauma of any sort is added on top of regular everyday life it can feel like not only are we inadequate but, also unworthy to be their mother.
Speaking from experience, as a mother to a child who was traumatized, I completely understand the internal battle we are constantly warring against. For months after learning of my 4 year old daughters rape I sat in bewildered humiliation. How could I , her mother, not know something so awful had happened. She was 4 years old there had to have been some sort of warning. How could a week have gone by and I not have noticed anything?!
The thoughts " you're a terrible mother" and " you don't deserve to have children" crossed my mind more than once. Of course there was also the guilt of not having prevented it. When I voiced this guilt I was met with " did you know about it? Then how could you have prevented it?". I knew deep down they were right but, then I would look at my terrified daughter who had woken up with yet another nightmare. Tears streaming down her chubby little face and I just couldn't stem off the guilt.
What changed? How was I able to pull up my boot straps and push forward? Honestly, Natalee reminded me that I was her mother for a reason. One day while out and about Natalee looked at me and said "You're the best Momma ever!" and my heart melted. I realized in that moment that this wasn't about me. What she had experienced did not mean I could wallow in my self doubt and guilt. Quite the contrary, in order to live up to her idea of me being the 'best mother ever'. I needed to stop thinking about me. I needed to put my children first and speak out against the ill treatment of victims and their families in the court system. Sitting idly by and being silent was no longer an option. Standing up and fighting until my last breath was my only option.
So, began our legislative journey. I became known as pushy and loud and I embraced those descriptions. It was an honor to be to be told by Senator Kramer that "this boy didn't know who's mom he was messing with."
To any mother who is going through any hard situation know that you are worthy! God would not have blessed you with your child(ren) if you were truly unworthy. He chose you to be his/her mother for a reason. Don't let shame, guilt or nerves get in the way of being the best mother you can be. We will all continue to stumble and make mistakes but, if we stick together and encourage one another we can and will change the world!
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