Written by: John Perez, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
It’s really easy to miss. It can look like they are having fun. It can look like they are partying way too much. It can look like they are just going through a rough spot, and coping the only way they know how. And for the most part, all of that is right. Trauma is painful. Trauma is extremely emotionally painful. It’s an invisible injury, one that usually gets missed. Sometimes, the person carrying the trauma is the only one aware of this injury.
Imagine with me for a second, that you have a friend with a broken leg. Imagine that both of you are avid runners, and have been running marathons together for years. Imagine telling your friend that they just need to “get over” their broken leg, that life doesn’t wait for anyone, and that they need to just start running again; things just need to go back to the way they were. On a broken leg. You would never tell your friend that! Yet we can give our loved ones struggling with trauma from sexual abuse (or any other trauma for that matter) that same exact message when we ask them to “get over it” or when we expect them to go back to the way things were.
Our loved ones are trying to, make no mistake about that. But it can be very difficult to be able to, when 1) they have no idea the extent of their injury and 2) they don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to talk about it. So what’s the next best thing? For some, using substances helps. It helps to “forget”. It helps to numb. It helps to distract. But it doesn’t heal. It’s a contaminated band aid on a bullet wound; it will only create more problems than it solves. You see, on the outside, the substance use looks like partying. It looks like having fun. And often times, it goes overboard, as it has the potential to turn to an addiction. I’ve worked with adults that turned to drinking at a young age, some as early as 8. I’ve worked with others that started smoking weed with their middle school friends. It becomes a way to forget, to numb or to distract from the awful thoughts and memories. Flashbacks, unwanted and intrusive memories, feeling like the incident is happening again, wanting to crawl out of your skin, being easily startled, all of these are tale tell signs of the effects of trauma. And if you read that list again, they are all INVISIBLE. The trauma becomes the “life” of the party for some. The trauma fuels the substance use, which then creates its own set of problems. But the substance abuse is the only thing people see.
I’ve often described it this way to my clients; the trauma is the engine under the hood. It fuels the depression. It fuels the intense and unbearable anxiety. It fuels the substance use. It fuels the sleepless nights. It can be the lifeblood of the party. I do want to be clear though; it would be a big mistake to think that everyone using substances has been traumatized in some way. My guess is that at least 75% of the people that I work with have deeper issues than the substance use, because the use is a coping mechanism and not the actual problem. Substance use instead should be viewed like a “check engine light”, if we are going to stick with the analogy. Is there something else going on? Is it deeper than just the substance use?
One of the hardest things for loved ones to do is to have patience and understanding with those that are abusing or addicted. The behaviors that come with substance abuse and addiction are often lying, secretiveness, stealing, mood swings or difficulties and manipulativeness. These behaviors are difficult enough on their own to deal with, much less the underlying trauma (if that is what’s truly going on). This topic could likely be a blog on its own. It is my desire to educate about the symptoms of trauma, and certainly substance use and abuse is one of them, that a lot of people tend to miss. Remember that trauma is an invisible injury, one that manifests itself in many different behaviors. Substance use, abuse and addiction are some of those behaviors. Perhaps your loved one, or you yourself, is the “life of the party”, but is merely a mask because of the terrible secret that is carried on the inside. I hope you read this with a renewed confidence to recognize the true “life” of the party, and find the courage to get your loved one or yourself some help. Counseling is a good place to start! Be willing to talk about the issues on the inside. What do you have to lose?